


Words I couldn't say

by MagicalFoxes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, S15E18, Spoilers, jack and Cass are mentioned more than anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27415477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalFoxes/pseuds/MagicalFoxes
Summary: The words echoed in Dean’s head, the image of Cass’s tear soaked face smiling at him burned into his memory. He knew it hadn’t been the kind of “I love you” that had been exchanged in the past; the kind that said “We’re family, and I’d do anything for you because of that.” It was different, and Dean knew it the moment the words were uttered.(I'm having a lot of emotions right now I needed to get them out)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 87





	Words I couldn't say

**Author's Note:**

> I'm feeling so many things right now and I had to get them out or I was gonna explode.

_“I love you.”_

The words echoed in Dean’s head, the image of Cass’s tear soaked face smiling at him burned into his memory. He knew it hadn’t been the kind of “I love you” that had been exchanged in the past; the kind that said “We’re family, and I’d do anything for you because of that.” It was different, and Dean knew it the moment the words were uttered. How? How could anyone love him? How could an Angel, the very definition of perfect, see him as anything more than the damaged goods he saw himself to be?

_“I love you.”_

Dean tried desperately to understand the hurricane of emotion swirling in his chest. Anger: anger at the loss of his best friend, and at Chuck for causing it all, and at himself for not being able to stop it. Sadness, at yet another stupid and unnecessary loss, a loss that caused a void that could never be filled.

_“I love you.”_

But the biggest of them all, the strongest, was regret. Twelve years passed so quickly, and Dean wasted so much time being too stubborn and afraid to admit to who he really was. He denied every time his heart skipped a bit, tried to explain away the fluttering in his stomach, ignored the loss of breath; none of it was real. It couldn’t be. He didn’t want it to be. What would dad have said? What would Sam have said? He knew it wasn’t wrong, but that didn’t stop the fear of disappointment or rejection. He had been so close so many times, and every time he had covered it all up, backing away like a coward.

“ _“I love you.”_

Dean’s phone vibrated and, reluctantly, he looked down at the screen. Sam was calling, of course he was. If what Billie said was true, there was a chance everyone they had just tried to save were gone, and Dean knew he couldn’t face that so soon after everything that had just happened. What would he say? In all honesty, he couldn’t remember how to speak. Words raced through his brain but they weren’t his own. Only the same three, over and over.

_“I love you.”_

Phone slipping from his hand, Dean pressed his palms against his forehead, trying to block out the sounds, force out the images. A strangled sob escaped his throat, then another, and before he could stop himself he was crying. Crying for the losses, crying for the regret, crying for himself and Sam, crying for the whole world. But more than anything, he was crying for Cass, and everything they never got to be. Everything he denied, everything he forced down inside himself, everything he laughed off and joked away. His chest burned and he clutched it in a vain attempt to stop the pain from spreading. Lifting his head only to drop it back against the wall, Dean finally exploded, crying out to the empty room and the spot Cass had once been. He wanted to stand, storm out and throw whatever got in his way, but his body felt heavy. “I’m sorry,” Dean whispered to the air. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be who I needed to be. I’m sorry I let you down.” Even he wasn’t sure if he was talking to Cass, or his parents, or any of the other friends they had lost along the way. Maybe he was talking to them all. But what he said next was for the Angel; _his_ Angel. “I love you, too.” The words didn’t burn as they left his tongue like he had expected them to. In fact, they tasted sweet and fresh, and as they fell so did a weight from his chest that had been there for so many years.

_“You once asked me what about all of this is real. We are.”_

It was hours before Sam and Jack found him, still slumped in the same place, face still soaked with a seemingly never ending supply of fresh tears. And when his eyes rose to meet his brother’s he didn’t have to tell him that Cass was gone and was never coming back, nor did he have to say how sorry he was for not being there to help him, because Sam could see all of that by the pain written across his face. Dean didn’t try to stand and Sam tried to pull him up, but his legs wouldn’t move, and with the attempt came another choked sob and Dean’s forehead fell heavily against Sam’s shoulder.

Sam stopped, and there was a hint of fear behind his concern. It wasn’t often his big brother allowed himself the freedom of expressing so much emotion. “Dean?” he asked cautiously. “Dean, what happened?”

“I never said it,” Dean replied, voice broken. “I never said it, Sammy. I should have- I was so stupid.”

“Said what?”

Dean looked up. “I loved him, too.”

Sam turned sympathetic, pulling him forward into a fierce hug, trying to hold together his shaking body. “I know,” he said softly. “I know you did.”


End file.
